Friday, November 16, 2007

Retraction! Celebuwreck Lull Pronouncement Premature

HOLLYWOOD – It wasn’t three hours after the our celebuwreck story broke that Lindsay Lohan, having heeded the warning of Today’s Snowman, promptly checked into jail. Ms. Lohan didn’t even bothering to perform any mischievous acts, proceeding directly to jail in the process nullifying our previous post and getting her name back in the press, which had been missing from the headlines for what seemed like years.

Attempts to speak to Lohan’s publicist were unsuccessful except a brief statement released to the public, which said, “Ms. Lindsay Lohan today served her debt to society spending 84 minutes in the Lynwood Jail & Spa…which we’d like to note is 2 more minutes than that handful Nicole Richie."

When told of this news Britney Spears do not comment but responded instead by running a red light in an automobile at a video monitored Los Angeles street corner shortly after tipping off members of the paparazzi. This sparked speculation among the media that this will inspire Paris Hilton to jump into her car wherever she is and cause havoc.

Reached for comment, Today’s Snowman chief editor Bob Eckstein stated, “We're sorry it was Today's Snowman that lit a fire under these girls and triggered this flurry of news releases. Yes, we have egg on our face for our premature conclusion that Lindsay Lohan wouldn’t be in the news anymore but I’d be lying if I said anyone here is surprised. You must remember that everytime we mention Lindsay Lohan’s name, or for that matter, Paris Hilton’s, or Britney Spear’s, this website quadruples it’s traffic and it's in our best interests to work their names, they being, of course, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and/or Britney Spears, into any story...even if it's not snowman related. What can I say except thank you...Lindsay Lohan...Paris Hilton...and Britney Spears.”

Asked if there was no shame to the crass marketing of his new book, The History of the Snowman: From the Ice Age to the Flea Market to which Today’s Snowman acts as a false front, author Bob Eckstein replied, “No.”

“I was just in Togo on Saturday hawking the book in an open air market. Monday I’ll be doing a book reading in EuroDisney. We’re in negotiations now with my mom to read my book while riding the subway all day dressed in a snowman costume.”

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