Today's Snowman: Cardboard Snowman Declares He's Still in the Contest and Did I Mention Highly Flammable

Saturday

Cardboard Snowman Declares He's Still in the Contest and Did I Mention Highly Flammable

In our continuing effort to spice up the less popular entries today we ask: is there a more dangerous snowman? What's next? The Highly Combustible Oily Rags Snowman? (And is that even recyclable cardboard?) My personal favorite and the obvious choice for those who run with scissors...#1 Cardboard Snowman!

How does one person know so much?

There is no such thing as stupid answers, only stupid questions. Want to know who was the first snowman in space? What's a good name for snowmen? Boxers or briefs? So go ahead and ask the snowman expert. All questions will used based on space and appropriate content.

Dear snowman expert,
Why do they hold brooms? Thanks,
– Lori Sanders,
Kings County, California

Dear Lori, excellent question. You actually have me stumped. All I can say is that the earliest engravings I found from around 1790 up to the 1840s showed snowmen made from found objects around the farm; baskets and buckets for hats and either canes, sticks or brooms stuck in their body. I have been unable to trace any meaning or symbolism by this choice except to say it seems kids figured out that an object like a broom could easily be stuck into the snowman's torso. Incidentally, my favorite Charles Addams' cartoon is of a snowman lying down (dead) with a broom stuck through him (found in The History of the Snowman, pg. 86).
– The Snowman Expert

Dear snowman expert,
Is there as "world's largest snowman" record? and Do you dare me to break it? Thanks,
– Yukon John

John, you and what army? No, thanks for writing, but seriously it would literally take you an army. You'll need cranes, trucks, work permits, engineers, food stations...believe me, it's a real pain in the ass. Bethel, Maine in 1999 had their whole town making this enormous world record-breaking snowman that was 11 stories high. Gramps and grannies, preschoolers, teamsters...everyone had to pitch in. There are many interesting details to this such as evergreens trees used for arms, a large paper mache carrot made by a kindergarten school and large tires to draw the mouth, eyes made of 4' Christmas wreaths and for what? The whole town has been looking over it's shoulder ever since Japan made an off-handed remark that they plan to break the record.

But, no, I'm being negative. Seriously, good luck with that.
– The Snowman Expert

Is there anything you can do to prolong a snowman's life, or is it up to Mother Nature?
– Hallmark Magazine

There is no special way of treating your snowman from the effects of the sun's rays. While sun-block will not work, an umbrella will prolong his life. Plus the bigger the snowman is, the longer it will take him to melt, unless you make a very small snowman. In that case it can be stored in your freezer. The world's largest snowman, Angus King of the Mountain of Bethel, Maine took over 15 weeks to melt. A charity raffle was conducted to guess as to when Angus would be totally melted.
– The Snowman Expert

For fun & profit

Starting New Year's Day 2008, Today's Snowman will begin a monthly snowman contest which you the readers will vote on. Submissions can be emailed here and will be posted in competition. Winners will receive a prize (possible prizes include a History of the Snowman mini-poster, a snowman bookmark and signed copies of the book).

Snowmen may include those you made yourself or simply one you see somewhere. Pictures can be either shot with a digital or conventional camera or cell phone. Yes, hand-made drawings are welcome. Rules include no steroids, no gambling and no ice balls. Persons related to Burl Ives are not eligible. Please do not send any images larger than 1 MB. Winners will be notified one week after voting closes.

I'm Melting

Everyday at least one snowman melts somewhere in the world. So what can you do about it? Well, not much. Sure you can get involved at Stop Global Warming where one can get lifestyle tweaking and planet saving advice from pseudo-cool personalities Laird Hamilton (surfer-head) and model/athlete Gabrielle Reece (really) or get into some heady discussion with some cooler heads at Global Warming Dot Org but I suggest the very cool magazine Plenty, which thoroughly covers this subject and how to be green. But I do come from the school that my composting won't do diddly-squat to stop the glaciers from melting. There's an excellent piece called I'm Doing My Inconsequential Part For The Environment from The Onion that sums up my stance. "At the very least, I know with absolute certainty that I have done everything I can to nurture and protect the environment, through genuinely well-intentioned albeit minuscule actions, tragically destined to have absolutely no substantive effect. For I sleep better at night knowing that I have as much influence on global environmental policy as I would had I never been born."

What AM I doing? Saving lives. I have been giving free copies of my book to friends who are over 85-yrs old so they don't drive to their local bookstores, inadvertently lowering auto insurance rates. Secondly, my book not only educates people of the value of the snowman but heightens global warming awareness. I am making the snowman the poster boy for global warming, the duckbill platypus of the new millennium.

So back to what you can do? I suggest writing to the chiefs of staff, CEOs and leaders of rising industrial nations. No, I did not provide any of the necessary addresses. In light of that, how 'bout just writing a review of my book on Amazon.com? I would be very grateful and promise to rethink what I could do personally to save our precious planet. I thank you.

Saturday

Cardboard Snowman Declares He's Still in the Contest and Did I Mention Highly Flammable

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